Alright I got a story for everyone...

A long time ago I worked at this place called, Quizno's, and I quit there because of this couple.

So this big guy and I'm assuming his wife (saw a wedding ring), walk in the store like usual customers. Now, before we cut the bread into the size sandwich you want, small medium or large, it comes in a big 4 foot loaf. This man was obviously well versed in the Quizno's ways because he said, "Y'know wonna dem big loafs a bread you got bout dis big (holds out arms as far as they can go, because apparently numbers just don't cut it for this guy)?" I say, "Yes sir, that's how they come originally before we cut them into the--" "Don't cut em up, just give me the big ass loaf!"

I didn't really know how to react to that, so I asked the manager and he said I'm not allowed to sell him that. So the gentleman said, "Well gimme 4 big ass sandwiches." I made them as usual. Now his female companion was a whole different story.

Next to the bread where you make your order for the desired sandwich there's a chart for employees to look at. If the sandwich doesn't ask for _____ or _____, we're not supposed to put it on there. You know how when the sandwich comes out, the employee immediately wraps it up? That's why, we have to. "Oh wait I wanted pickles and..." and the employee begrudgingly unwraps it.

In an attempt to avoid those situations I asked the person do they want such and such before I wrapped it up. I said, "Lettuce or pickles, ma'am?" and she responds, "Yes, put some of both." So I take the lettuce and the pickles and I put them on the sandwich, "Anything else ma'am?" and she says, "Yes, more lettuce please," I put some on there, "more please" so I put more on there and she says, "more please". Now after the 5th handful of lettuce I said, "Why didn't you just order a salad? If I put anymore on there you won't have a sandwich, you'll have a giant taco." And she says, "That's fine I want more lettuce." so after 8 damn handfuls she finally decides she's had enough.

Now, the reason I quit was this. She sits there with her big sack of meat husband wolfing down his 4 sandwiches like there's a gun to his head and then has the nerve, to come up to me and say, "That was the messiest sandwich I've ever eaten here and I demand my money back." That was the final straw, I exploded. "YOU KNOW WHAT?! #!%! THIS!! I QUIT!!" I stormed out, came back the next day for my check and refuse to eat Quizno's ever again.

Sadly enough, I've seen the tick/nipple thing more than once. Vet med definitely has some of the best stories. Foreign bodies anyone? =p

Here's another one I just remembered:

Me: "Hello. Why is Fluffy here today?"

Owner: <looking very uncomfortable> "He ate some herbs."

Me: "What type of herbs were they?"

Owner: "Um, we're not sure, just some herbs."

Me: "Well, where did he eat them?"

Owner: "At home."

Me: <suspicious, sniffing dog's breath> "Just so we're clear, we are not interested in turning you in for anything. We're not affiliated with the police. We just need to know what your dog ate so that we can give him the appropriate medical treatment."

Owner: <produces an empty bottle of "natural male enhancement" pills>

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Q u o t e:
I work in IT too...what are the odds? lol

Well this is probably my best all time story. It's also made me a semi-legend in the department where I work with all the techs.

Anyone who works in tech knows that soemtimes, some things just can't be explained. They also know that MOST things can't be explained to the technologically challenged but god help them they try to undertsand... >.>

I had a lady call about MS Word having issues. Crashing, corrupting documents etc...Normal run of the mill stuff on a major network. The easiest solution was just to reinstall the suite and you're good as gold. End of sotry right? Wrong...She wanted to know why it happened.

Now most people you chuckle and balme it on Microsoft. To the "technotards" as I call them, they laugh, gripe a little, and I make a joke about tech making life easier. Thanks and have a nice day. This lady wanted details.

Now at this point I knew she knew nothing about computers and software so for some reason, that little voice that tells you that lying and making the person look like a dummy is a bad, was on vacation. I took a page from the BoFH and told her this. I said this all with a straight face and I swear to God it's true.

"The reason your computer is having so many problems is due to a little known phenomenon. Magnetic interference due to sattelite debris." A short pause from her as she thinks it through...I continue. " It's kind of like solar flares. You know how in the news they report solar flare activity for certain areas of the globe? Well, they can cause interference with electroni devices (cell phones, computers etc...) this is something similar. "

"Since the 60's, how many satellites and space junk have we fired into the earth's orbit? Tonnes right? Well there's no cost effective way to retrieve it so when it's going to be put to rest, they send a signal to crash it in the atmosphere to burn it up. Sometimes though, they don't all make it and it stays in orbit. So how many countries in the past almost 50 years have thrown things up there with all that metal and electronics? It's bound to cause problems back on the surface right?"

At this point I hear a "uh huh..." I decide to push my luck.

"So all that metal and stuff has lead to it causing problems with the earth's natural magnetic field. And what happens is that' there's sometimes pockets like solar flares that can develop and are directed towards the earth. The problem is, we have no reliable way to measure these. All we can do is try to magnetically shield electronics to limit the impact. "

"That's why computers, wires and all that have that shielding on them/in them. It's also why they tell you not to put a magnet near a computer because ti can mess it up. The problem is we can't predict it, that's why it's not a very well known phenomenon. We don't know enough to accurately say that's what the cause was. It's embarassing when you don't know right?"

After that last part, I look around and notice that every tech beside me is staring at me with eyes wide open. They can't believe I just fed that BS to this person. Finally she pipes in and I'm expecting the worst.

"Thank you so very much for taking the time to explain that to me. It seems that whenever I call, the other technicians treat me like I'm stupid about computers. I know more than people think and now that you've been so kind to explain it to me, what you say makes sense. I'm going to write your director about you and let them know how happy I am with your help."

My response? "You're very welcome ma'am, I try to help as much as possible whenever possible. We can't know everything right? So if I can help someone learn something new each day, I feel good. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

Lady: "No, thank you very much for your help. I'll wait for the onsite person to come. Have a great day!"

Me: "Thank you, and you as well. Take care now!"

As I hang up the phone, the 5 guys around start howling with laughter. My boss comes up to me and is all serious. He said that if it wasn't so funny and if the lady hadn't believe it, I would be in so much trouble...Luckily though, he thought it was genius and wouldn't have done anything anyway. thinking back on it, I wonder how many of her friends she repeated that BS to? LOL

Moral of the story: If you're gonna lie, make sure there's just enough true to make it believable. LOL

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OMFG I LOL'ed hard on this story.

Ah, the glorious days of tech support....

Customer calls, informs the tech that the lubricant is coming out of her floppy drive and she wants to know if she needs to bring it in. Well, this tech has no clue what she is talking about, as floppy drives do not have enough lubricant in them to notice if it leaks. He's on the phone with her for about ten minutes, and passes it to "second level tech" (me, next phone over). I run down the same base questions he did, and get the same answers. The lubricant is white, has some shiny bits in it as well as some yellow flakes, and haas a sweet sickly smell to it. All this time I hear babbling in the background. I ask what is babbling, she says her son, age 4. I ask what he's doing, she says, "finishing his twinkie"... The lights come on.

Customer brings in his Mac, claims it won't boot. He's panicked, as the only copy of his doctoral thesis is on this machine. I check it out, and find (to my utter surprise) it had a virus on it (Mac OS 8.1 on this machine, a performa line model from around 1996, this was in 1998). I clean off the virus, repair the file system, and reload a part of the OS that was corrupted. I offer to burn his thesis to a CD, he declines. I offer him an anti-virus, he declines, will get his own. A week later, it's back, re-infected. This guy still didn't back up his thesis to another media. I go back in, this time it's really hosed. The virus (back on the machine) encrypted the B-Tree root, so the drive lost track of what was directory info and what was data. Disk utilities could not figure it out either, as they needed a start point, which was gone. Well, I know a little too much about drives, so calc'd out the start geometries of the drive, then used a GCR editor to re-write the beginning blocks of the file system by hand (not for the faint of heart). I get the first blocks up correctly, and pretty proud of myself, I decide to start recovering the first block of B-Tree file entries by hand so the disk utility will have something more to work with. So I go along and am editing the start links in their basic hex numbers, when I suddenly realize what the file names are that I'm recovering (realize the data I'm seeing is the stored ASCII hex numbers, not letters, so you have to really get into the flow to start reading a bunch of numbers as letters). Names like "Blond on Blond" and "Redhead Lactating". Anyway, I get the drive recovered enough and start the disk utility in verbose mode, and am watching the first few file names fly by. Lots of porn. By lots, I mean about 8GB or the 9GB drive was porn. Pissed that someone is too into their porn to backup their thesis, and in fact wondering if there really was a thesis as I knew this guy had downloaded all 8GB of porn through his dial-up connection, I put all the hours on the bill, which ended up over $600. Next day, he comes to pick up his machine, and I tell him point blank that if he intends to download whole porn sites, he needs an anti-virus, or at least update his OS as the 8.6 version changed the drive handler to block the kinds of virus he had gotten. He acted like he didn't know about the porn, and asked me to show him. I did. Tuns out, the computer isn't his, but his 14 year old son's. He was writing his thesis on it because his son had MS Word while his computer only had MS Works. Anyway, he takes the computer home, sets it up on the kitchen table, and has his wife delete the porn right in front of their son. That had to hurt.

More recent, I have noticed a lot of people asking about "GeeBees". How many geebees does that laptop have? I have a 2x4, about six feet long, with "Customer Service" written on the side. One of these days, I might use it....

I also got in trouble for my flippant replies. As I was heading out to lunch, I passed the sales manager coming in. She asked me one of her unfathomable tech questions (I swear her picture in in the dictionary next to "bubble headed bleach blond"). This day's question: "How does a mouse tell which way is up?" I spout "Satellite telemetry" and kept walking briskly. The general manager was not amused as she had repeated that to a customer.

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Q u o t e:
Sadly enough, I've seen the tick/nipple thing more than once. Vet med definitely has some of the best stories. Foreign bodies anyone? =p

Here's another one I just remembered:

Me: "Hello. Why is Fluffy here today?"

Owner: <looking very uncomfortable> "He ate some herbs."

Me: "What type of herbs were they?"

Owner: "Um, we're not sure, just some herbs."

Me: "Well, where did he eat them?"

Owner: "At home."

Me: <suspicious, sniffing dog's breath> "Just so we're clear, we are not interested in turning you in for anything. We're not affiliated with the police. We just need to know what your dog ate so that we can give him the appropriate medical treatment."

Owner: <produces an empty bottle of "natural male enhancement" pills>

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Foreign bodies a plenty unfortunately. A pair of panty hose from a Cocker Spanial was one of my best.

The "herb" thing just happened to me a few months ago. Of course I live in San Francisco where one particular herb is quasi-legal so it isnt too surprising.

The husband brought the puppy in and was really sheepish about the whole thing. When the wife came with him to pick the dog up after making her vomit, giving her charcoal, fluids the whole bit, the look on her face was priceless. I am guessing her husband slept on the couch that night.

When I worked at Walmart I had someone try to pay for a bunch of @@!@ with a fake check



Me: Ma'am Sorry I cannot take this check
Her: LIKE HELL YOU WONT
Me: Would you like me to call a manager?
Her: YOU BETTER
<manager comes argument happens>
Her: YOUR %@%@ING EMPLOYEE WON"T TAKE MY CHECK AND I DONT KNOW WHY I JUST MADE IT THIS MORNING.

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Q u o t e:



Foreign bodies a plenty unfortunately. A pair of panty hose from a Cocker Spanial was one of my best.

The "herb" thing just happened to me a few months ago. Of course I live in San Francisco where one particular herb is quasi-legal so it isnt too surprising.

The husband brought the puppy in and was really sheepish about the whole thing. When the wife came with him to pick the dog up after making her vomit, giving her charcoal, fluids the whole bit, the look on her face was priceless. I am guessing her husband slept on the couch that night.

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The best foreign bodies I can recall offhand are:

An intact miniature soccer ball.

A tube of bikini wax with lidocaine. Including the tube.

A bottle of gorilla glue, which expanded in the stomach and made a nice little stomach-esophagus mold. Weirdest thing I've ever seen.


These stories are from when I worked in Palo Alto... I have a few friends in the industry who work in San Francisco, will have to log into your server sometime and find out who you are. =p

I LOVE these threads!

As a side business, my family owns a small pizza shop where I'm from. When I'm home from college and people call off of work (99% of the time it's a huge lie - the reason for calling off) I have to go in to work. When I'm there, I'm actually a manager. I'm just short of 21 years old. When customers want to speak to the manager for whatever reason (good or bad) they certainly are not happy to see someone my age.

So this older man, somewhere in his 50's with his wife, walks in. His wife has this big grin on her face for some reason. The man must have been having a bad day and was prepared to fight with someone.

Old man: Well, I'd like 3 slices, all meat and a Coke.
Me: Is Pepsi okay? We don't serve Coke anymore.
Old man: WHAT?!?!?!?!? YOU DON'T SERVE COKE? ANYMORE? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
Me: Well, we used to sell both brands. It was just far too expensive to keep both stocked when most people aren't devastated by not having Coke.
Old man: THAT'S ABSURD! WHO DOESN'T SELL COKE! THAT'S INSANITY!
Me: (at this point, I'm egging him on and holding back laughter) Well...you can go next store. The convenience store probably sells Coke, but I can't guarantee it.
Old man: That's what I'll do! You won't get my $0.75!
Me: Umm...okay. I'll have your pizza in just a minute.
His wife: Don't mind him. He's crazy.
Old man: Shut it! What kind of a day and age is it when you don't sell Coke? It's just plain un-American.
Me: ...You know Coke cans are red. Like communism.

His wife died laughing, and he just walked out to get his Coke at the convenience store. His wife apologized, and they've been back several times since and he has not said another word about his precious Coke. The best part was that I knew the convenience store wouldn't have Coke either. They were in the process of changing ownership and would be closed down temporarily. Because of that, they weren't stocking any products that were currently sold out. I heard later that the old guy raised hell over there too. I sometimes wonder if he really thought I cared that we weren't getting his precious three quarters...

In the late 80's, I worked in the service department of a rent-to-own store (electronic technician) in Phoenix, Arizona. RTO customers get all of their service for free until the item is paid off. One day, a customer brings a VCR into the shop.

Me: "What's the problem you are having?"

Customer: "Suddenly, last night it just started acting funny."

Me: "OK, but could you be more specific?"

Customer: "I don't really know how to describe it. Just check it out ok?"

Me: "Sure. I can't get to it until tomorrow because we have a few ahead of you."

Customer: "OK, no problem -- just let me know when it's ready."

The next morning, the cause was found. A large "joint" had been dropped inside and was sitting on the tape loading mechanism. Removing this fixed the problem. Acting "funny", indeed.

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Several years later (mid 90's) I worked at another repair shop (California this time). A customer brings one of those cheesy karaoke machines in for repair (ya' know the little ones with a mic and a couple of tape decks built in).

Before the customer left after checking the unit in, she said:

"Oh, before I pick it up, can you add one of those screens that shows the words and stuff?"

Me: "???"

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Same shop as above, but i wasn't there for this one.

A customer brings in one of the early (first run) waterproof Sony 8MM camcorders. It was ruined. He was a scuba diver and often filmed underwater. One day while filming underwater, he ran out of tape.

You guessed it -- he opened the unit UNDERWATER to change the tape.

I have little faith in humanity these days.

Ok worked at a hardware store......


Cus: Hello sir let me ask you, Do you carry yard sticks?

Me: Yes sir we do.

Cus: Can you tell me how long they come?

Me: well sir Yard sticks are about 36 inches long.

Cus: oh yard sticks dont come any longer?

Me: no sir yard sticks are only 36 inches long.

Cus: Oh ok thanks anyway.


Morons are my nemesis..........

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Q u o t e:
Girl: How do I close my computer?
Me: Well you want to press 'Start' than proceed.....
Girl: No! I don't wanna 'Start' I want to 'Close it'
Me: Yes... but... to close you have to press start...
Girl: ARHH!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I DON'T WANT TO START I WANT TO CLOSE!!!!
Me: Yes I understand mam... just listen to me... press on start than.....
Girl: OMFG it closed the CPU...
Me: Doh!
Girl: Well you should change the programs you're selling it's bad that we have to press start to close!
Me: (UrgggGGGGggggg KAMIKAZE!!!!) Yes mam we will!

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Imagine Gates starts to roll out cars from Microsoft.

To turn off car please press "start" on the screen and select "shutdown"

off topic

Some of my friends have the best stories. A couple of them worked at a grocery store about 5 years ago that I know was at least local to Ohio and probably not anywhere else called Big Bear. Most of them are closed now due to how terrible they were.

They had a guy that worked there that I think was named "Panos." Or something like that. He was certainly an illegal immigrant and barely spoke English. His only job was to clean up messes and restock shelves. He couldn't even do that much. Any time he heard his name called on the speaker..."Panos, clean up in aisle 5" he would take off sprinting for the front door while employees would yell "Run Panos run!" like in Forrest Gump. He'd bolt out the door, jump on his bike and ride away showing up a half hour later when someone else had cleaned up the mess.

And a lot of the time people would try to either dispute or haggle the price of clearly marked items. Arguments like this would arise:

Customer in checkout line: So these TVs are a great deal for fifty bucks.
Friend: Actually, it's $150.
Customer: But the sign said "$50"!
Friend: No, it said "$50 off" See how the tag has the number 200 crossed out and is replaced with a smaller number, 150?
Customer: You're wrong. I won't give you any more than 50 bucks for this.
Friend: First of all, no. It's clearly marked. Second of all, I'm 16 and don't have the authority to haggle the price of a TV with you. I can get the manager if you want.
Customer: You damn well better. I'm not leaving until you sell me this TV for fifty bucks!
Friend: ...

I guess there was an upside though. I'm not sure why they didn't think of it, but apparently a lot of college girls brought in their spring break pictures that probably weren't mean for other people's eyes. Did they not realize that someone would be developing that film? Of course, you had to be older than 18 to work in the photo department, but every time a roll of flim containing inappropriate material came in the guy who ran the photo place would call in my buddies to check out the pictures! At 16 years old they thought it was the greatest thing in the world to see those pictures.

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Q u o t e:
off topic

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Not in the warlock forums, it's not. We're family.

Being a cashier in retail has to be one of the worst jobs imaginable. Leaving that job was one of my finest moments. Anyway, I'd get this black lady in line all the time that really lived up to her stereotype: hair up in a stiff bun choked to death with hairspray, three inch fingernails with gems on them, huge earrings that doubled as radar dishes, the works. She'd have a cart full of items (and children) and have me ring them all up (not the children). No problem, it's my job.

After telling her the total she'd fish in her purse, pull out a small wad of bills, count it, then have me void out practically everything save maybe some cereal and a loaf of bread. This was a common occurrence; you'd think she'd learn to count before she forced me to decorate my register with fake flowers and other tacky objects she couldn't afford because I was too busy to turn them in to claims.

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The weirdest purchase I ever rang up was only two items: a tin of sardines and a pack of mint gum. I don't wanna know.

I work at Domino's Pizza, and I get this a lot....

Me: Thank you for calling Domino's Pizza, This is Chris, How may I help you...

*I take to order with no problem, then... *

Would you like carry out or delivery?

Customer: ummm... errr.. ummm... I'll come pick it up.

Me: Ok, Carry out...

Customer: NO! I want to pick it up!!!

Me: .....

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Q u o t e:
I work at Domino's Pizza, and I get this a lot....

Me: Thank you for calling Domino's Pizza, This is Chris, How may I help you...

*I take to order with no problem, then... *

Would you like carry out or delivery?

Customer: ummm... errr.. ummm... I'll come pick it up.

Me: Ok, Carry out...

Customer: NO! I want to pick it up!!!

Me: .....

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Another along this line.

(Taking a delivery order, getting the address)
Me: Can I get a cross street?
Cust: I don't have a cross street.
Me: It doesn't have to be a major street, just some cross street near your home so the driver knows which way to turn on your street.
Cust: But I don't have a cross street.
Me: So I take it your airlifted to your home every day?
Cust: Umm...no.
Me: Then there must be a street that you turn off of onto the street where you live...that is a cross street.
Cust: Oh....okay its ........

lol i ordered dominoes last night and was like wtf ?

its pick up or delivery, carry out sounds like u r carrying out as in deliver. i was confused also :-D

When i was in the Air Force I dont know how many times i got called out to fix something that wouldnt work in the OFFicial position.

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Q u o t e:
lol i ordered dominoes last night and was like wtf ?

its pick up or delivery, carry out sounds like u r carrying out as in deliver. i was confused also :-D

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If you thought carry out was delivery, then what did you think the term "Delivery" meant at that time? :P
(As in the question: carry out or delivery?)

This isn't so much what she said but what she bought.

Comes up to the register, puts down a packet of condoms, and like 5 packets of panadol.
I am still curious to this day why she'd need so many panadols, he couldn't be THAT bad, could he?


Another stupid event:
I was standing at my register counting down the minutes, then hours untill my shift was over. When some punk ass kids come up to me, I was 15 at the time and these kids only look a tad older then I do (16-17 maybe?) and you only need to be 18 to buy alcohol in Australia.
So they put down their case of beer and bottle of vodka, I ask the kids "Could I see some ID?"
He shows it to me, I cacked up laughing, this guy got a fake ID. With the wrong year put on it.

I called my manager and they got booted out of the store, I had a smile on my face for the rest of the day.