The EVIL WARLOCK's Guide: Wrath Edition!

Welcome, fellow practitioners of the Demonic Arts!

Many of you may recall the original, pre-Wrath "Guide to Life as an EVIL WARLOCK" that was posted here back in May 2008: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=6408001096&sid=1 . Sadly, that thread is now locked, but here now is a NEW AND IMPROVED updated edition, the EVIL WARLOCK'S Guide: WotLK Edition!

I. THE WARLOCK CREDO:
For all new warlocks just joining our dark brother- and sisterhood, as well as for the veteran "I Survived The Great Nerfhammer of ______ (enter last patch date here)" T-shirt owners, REMEMBER ALWAYS THE WARLOCK CREDO:

If It Ain't EVIL... It Ain't Worth Doing.

Sounds simple, yes? But this simple phrase underscores the entire warlock philosophy. Learn it well, for it serves as the fundamental principle that will guide you along your interactions with raid bosses, PvP opponents, and the most challenging enemies you will ever face: Other Players Of Inferior Non-Warlock Classes Who Expect You To Do Things For Them. This Guide will advise you on how to deal with all of them.


II. IMPORTANT MACROS: Honestly, these should just be stickied somewhere. Here they are again, the only macros you will ever need:

Macro #1:
/yell MUAHAHAHAHA

Macro #2:
/r NO, you CANNOT have a summon.

Macro #3: (Updated!!)
/cast QQ Extraction
/cast Create Delicious QQ Beverage
/drink [Delicious QQ Beverage]

NOTE: "QQ Extraction" is sometimes spelled "Conflagrate" in your spellbook.

*NEW Macro! For those of you playing on RP or RP-PVP servers, here is a little macro from this EVIL Warlock especially for you:

Macro #4: (New!!)
/e retrieves a delicate crystal flask from a pocket and takes a drink, eyes closing in delight at the sweet taste of the [Delicious QQ Beverage]. "Ahh! Sweet nectar of the Gods!"
/LOL

NOTE: It's a well known fact that everyone hates seeing RP server players show up in their battlegrounds and random heroics groups. Use their foolish underestimation of you to its fullest! This is your perfect opportunity to pwn them on the damage meters, and THEN cleverly RP emote about it to really rub salt in the wound. No experience is quite as sweet as seeing the QQ in battleground chat, "OMFG I AM BEING PWNED BY A ****ING RPER!!1!!!1!!" Note the "/LOL" there at the end of the macro. It's super effective.


III. THE "DELICIOUS QQ BEVERAGE" BUFF: It is absolutely imperative that you, as an EVIL warlock, keep the buff provided by chugging [Delicious QQ Beverage]s on you at all times. As veteran warlocks know, DQQBs are made by collecting the raw QQ energy emitted by the players of The Inferior Classes (specifically: all of them except Warlocks) when they complain about how powerful / naturally skilled / rich / debonair / good looking IRL warlocks are. You will know when you have harvested enough QQ by examining the fill meter on your QQ Extraction bar. When the line on the meter passes "Smug Satisfaction" and hits "Maniacal Cackling", you have enough to make a batch.

The DQQB buff provides +75 Influence Over Raid Loot Decisions and/or +75 Trash Talking, depending on whether you are in a PvE or PvP situation, respectively. Don't leave Dalaran without it!

Once you have built up an adequate supply of [Delicious QQ Beverage]s, go forth into endgame content and make it your own! The remainder of this guide will give you some pointers about dealing with the challenges you will face. All of the advice herein is designed to ensure you have a steady supply of [Delicious QQ Beverage] as you go.


IV. DEALING WITH PvP OPPONENTS: This is actually the easiest way to generate QQ from other players, because success here means flowing rivers of QQ from everyone you kill. The chief complaint among many warlocks is "lack of survivability" in PvP situations. This is untrue. It's not really a matter of warlocks having a lack of survivability-- it's merely the unfortunate result of The Players Of Inferior Non-Warlock Classes FINALLY figuring out the following truism:

A Living Warlock = A Dead Everybody Else.

YOU are the most dangerous thing in the arena, the battleground, and the faction leader's throne room against (or in support of) a world PvP raid. Your fears take players out of commission and burn up trinket CDs. Your DoTs and curses require a whole army of cleansers and decursers to focus all their attention on undoing what you, the one little warlock, can do. Your gear looks 1000 times more badass than theirs, so you're doing your thing in STYLE. On top of that, your Chaos Bolt + Conflagrate generates gallons and gallons of [Delicious QQ Beverage] for you.

The best way to deal with these fools is a nice doubleshot of CB+Conflag to the face. But when that is on cooldown, you'll need a Plan B to wait out the CD timer. Your best bet? DISTRACTION! Every one of the Inferior Classes has a weakness. Here is a breakdown of each class' weakness and how to exploit it:

WARRIORS. Weakness: Fondness for small animals
Warriors rely on a rage bar to do pretty much anything, so this one is pretty obvious. Go to one of those sites that your mother is always sending you links to-- you know the ones I'm talking about. The ones with all the adorable photos that put you into insulin shock after the sugary sweetness of so much condensed cuteness wears off. Print out a color photo of the most adorable baby bunny or kitten on the site, and shove it right in their faces. Goodbye, rage bar! "Awwwwwwwww... it's... so... cuuuuuu--" *CONFLAG*.

HUNTERS. Weakness: Dumb
As it happens, the hunter's pet is 1000 times more intelligent than the hunter. Fortunately for you, they are still pets. Buy yourself a box of pet treats, throw one in the opposite direction, and run. The pet will take off after the treat. The hunter is a non-issue, because each and every one of them is alt-tabbed on the Damage Dealing forum posting complaints about how their class isn't viable for PvP or raiding.

SHAMAN. Weakness: More emotional than a character from a Brontë novel
Stomp their totems and they burst into tears. A nice touch to generate even more QQ: send your pet to kill the Tremor Totem, then fear them, then unequip your weapon and PUNCH the rest of the totems while they look on helplessly.

DRUIDS. Weakness: Fondness for large men dressed like small animals
/yell "Who wants a free ticket to the Furry convention?" When they come running to collect, *CONFLAG* right to the face.

TREE DRUIDS. Weakness: Your Banish spell
(1) They never, ever, ever, EVER see it coming.
(2) It's hilarious.

MAGES. Weakness: Jealousy
Use a healthstone, and then pour a mana potion out into the dirt at their feet. Say "Hey look, my mana bar is still full!" Watch them spontaneously combust in rage.

PALADINS. Weakness: Goody-two shoes
"Oh no, that old woman needs help crossing the street!" Never fails. Also, note that a sizable percentage of them will spend all their time chasing around your pet because they really, really, REALLY need to press that Turn Evil button just in case someone asks what exactly they do that couldn't be done better by a Warrior or DK.

PRIESTS. Weakness: Holy Nova fixation
Every single priest in WoW would, if given the chance, do nothing but spam Holy Nova. They see what you do with Seed of Corruption... and the envy is killing, yes, KILLING THEM. For these guys, you will need to casually but convincingly tell them that you found a thread on Elitist Jerks about a viable Holy Nova spec for PvP. When they alt-tab to check it out, *CONFLAG*! (Note: it doesnt matter if they've fallen for this trick before. They will ALWAYS look to see if someone finally made their dreams come true.)

ROGUES. Weakness: . . .
Try... diplomacy? Hey, there's always a first time.

DEATH KNIGHTS. Weakness: Boy bands
It's a well-known fact that this class is populated almost entirely by teenagers (actual age or mental age) who saw the words "plate wearing + free mounts + generates power + DoTs AND melee attacks + overpowered pets = EZMODE" and said "Yes, Please." To deal with them, just /yell "OMG IT'S THE JONAS BROTHERS!" and watch them squeal like little girls.

(...Continued in next post! READ ONWARD!)

V. DEALING WITH MONSTERS AND RAID BOSSES: Sorry, fellow warlocks-- but the secret is out. Even more so than was the case in BC, monsters and raid bosses are now even MORE cognizant of the fact that of all the brightly-colored little player toons assembled in the hallway in front of the boss chamber, THE WARLOCKS ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS. Irrefutable evidence for this fact appears in the form of that lovely cluster of purple bars at the top of the Recount meters. The raid bosses are not stupid. When they look out their front door and see your little group, they pay no attention to the dancing trees, or to the rogues skulking around in Distract range, or to the invariably <AFK> Holy Paladin, or to the huntard sporting Aspect of the Daze, or to the three tanks hopping around like ADD-afflicted extras off the set of "300". They look at YOU, the warlock, the one who looks like (s)he just got off the express train straight from Hell. Plus, there's that small matter of how you completely DOMINATED everyone in Hyjal, Black Temple, and especially Sunwell-- don't think for a moment that those raid bosses have forgotten about THAT.

The boss is going to aggro on to YOU-- it's only a matter of time. But don't fret! Fortunately, you are so powerful that the boss is going to be dead soon anyway, so if you can keep yourself alive and distract the boss long enough to focus on beating up those other Inferior Class players, victory is yours.

I know what you're asking yourself now: "But how do I do that?" The answer lies within the next section....

VI. DEALING WITH PLAYERS OF THE INFERIOR NON-WARLOCK CLASSES: Dealing with the lesser beings in the WoW universe is one of the unfortunate chores of your life as an EVIL Warlock. None of us enjoy it, but we do it anyway in order to secure necessary benefits. That said, it is your sworn duty as a member of the EVIL Warlock class to complete the Warlock class' one official obligation, which is to ensure that every single raid leader in the universe fervently believes that THE RAID WILL SUFFER A HORRIBLE FATE AND FAIL if there are not enough warlocks in the raid at all times. This ensures all of us will continue to enjoy a steady stream of purple gear upgrades that we need in order to sneer at the mages and make the shadow priests feel bad about themselves, worthy goals by any measure.

Once you have that task in hand, feel free to use your many game-changing abilities to negotiate benefits for yourself, especially ones that keep those nasty raid bosses away from you. Here is your checklist of subjects and the talking points for each one:

HEALTHSTONES: "Good luck on heroic Anub, healers!" (That's pretty much all you need to say in order to get a permanent invitation AND the fast track to loot upgrades.)

SOULSTONES: "Well, if you want the tank to survive, I might be persuaded to help you... but we'll need to talk about a little thing called "Vigilance" first..."

SUMMONING PORTALS: First, you must remind everyone how vitally important you are because you provide them. Then, you must refuse to put one up until your demands are met, e.g., "Oh, did I mention I will require the paladins to make a personalized Hand of Protection macro just for me? Yeah." Even after your demands are met, you must verbally berate on vent anyone who DARES ask you to summon them. Once you have sufficiently whipped the rest of the raid, feel free to magnanimously announce that you're putting up a portal for random person X. That will keep them guessing and get their little minds spinning about what person X could have done to win your favor. Always keep them off balance!

THE CONQUEROR TOKENS: Unfortunately, we are forced to share tier tokens with Paladins and Priests. This is highly annoying due to the fact that these classes typically make up a large portion of the tanks and healers in the raid, and your raid leaders are likely to hold the warped view that tanks and healers are somehow more important than YOU, the unquestioned God Of DPS. You will need to do everything in your power to undermine their chances at stealing what is rightfully yours by keeping them out of the raid. "Wouldn't we be better off with some more shaman chain heals tonight?" or "well... that's nothing a Boomkin can't provide, now is it?" are two examples of things you can say. Of course, some of them are probably going to get in the raid anyway, in which case you'll need to switch to damage control: "All I'm saying is, if Blizzard really intended for pallys to get tier tokens, they wouldn't have clogged up so much of the loot tables with spell power plate... now would they?" Work on your powers of persuasion. You'll need it later when it comes time to try to take over the world.


* * * * * * * * *

Once again, congratulations on your status as an EVIL Warlock! Do us proud by being as EVIL as you can be!


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VALUABLE ADVICE FROM YOUR FELLOW WARLOCKS: Major props to Zanmorn of Mug'thol for adding this important contribution to the Warlock class' understanding of the weaknesses of the Inferior Non-Warlock Classes. I find the results of his research to be intriguing and give it my stamp of approval. Read on:

"ROGUES. Weakness: Warlocks
As every experienced Warlock knows, rogues have an inherent need to kill Warlocks. Whether they're killing a healer in battlegrounds, or DPSing the boss in a raid, all rogues will drop whatever they're doing if the opportunity to kill a Warlock presents itself. Through great effort, however, we have invented a way to turn this, Warlock-kind's (Warlock-cruel's?) greatest frustration, back against the rogues. We call it... the Buddy System.

"The premise is simple: Rogues exhibit behaviors indicative of a mind that can only process one thing at a time. When a Warlock is sighted, any previous action is dropped and replaced with the desire to kill that Warlock. From this we might conclude that "Kill the Warlock" is the highest prioritized thought a rogue can have, and supercedes ANY previous thought the rogue might have had. Keyword "any".

"So what happens if TWO warlocks are seen? As our superior (and evil) minds might expect, the rogue becomes stuck in a loop. The Rogue moves to kill Warlock A, but this thought is quickly overridden by the need to kill Warlock B. However, once moving towards Warlock B, the need to kill Warlock B is again replaced, and Warlock A becomes the target once more. Using this method, two Warlocks can effectively juggle a rogue for hours, until his or her existence bores them, at which point they may finish him or her at their leisure. Additional Warlocks may be added for extra amusement.

"WARNING: Groups in excess of three may cause the rogue to explode. This is awesome."

(Thanks, Zanmorn!)

UPDATES:
Aug 2009: Paladin weaknesses updated since they can apparently Exorcise players again. ¯\(o_O)/¯
Dec 2009: Anub > Mimiron. Take advantage of the unmitigated terror that this boss induces in your guild's healers to maximize your priority on the raid roster!
Feb 2010: Updated macros! Shine on, you crazy RP diamonds!

*Monty Burns*

Excellent!

*Rubs hands together*

MUHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA

Edit: I should add (besides first omg!?!?) that I always have a /giggle macro for when I make those kills so that the disgrace one feels at taking a PvP flogging is compounded by the little girly gnome "tee hee hee" ^_^

O.O

./clap

Op knows everything there is to being a lock

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Q u o t e:


Where is the love, snugglehuggle, goody-two shoes, happy Warlock's guide?

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sorry but some of those words just don't mix with any half decent warlock >.>

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Q u o t e:


Where is the love, snugglehuggle, goody-two shoes, happy Warlock's guide?

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warlocks happy? You must be new here. :p

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Q u o t e:
Where is the love, snugglehuggle, goody-two shoes, happy Warlock's guide?

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Mage forums ->

toasting in epic bread

first page

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Q u o t e:


Where is the love, snugglehuggle, goody-two shoes, happy Warlock's guide?

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Not with Mery, I'll tell you that much

<3 mery
8)

this is an amazing thread... especially loved the part about DK's, so true....

Finally someone that understands me.

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Q u o t e:


Where is the love, snugglehuggle, goody-two shoes, happy Warlock's guide?

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I think you are looking for the Affection Warlocks. A surge in rogue population caused them to go extinct.

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Q u o t e:
Where is the love, snugglehuggle, goody-two shoes, happy Warlock's guide?

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Alas, happy warlocks do not exist in nature!


Also, hi!


I'm so excited, my first blue! <3

lol, Affection warlocks.

Excellent work as usual, Mery. <3

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Q u o t e:


They just wanted to love... is that so wrong?

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we want as much love as we give to our minions, oh wait......

./points @ Imp's corpse

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Q u o t e:
They just wanted to love... is that so wrong?

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They were having problems with their unstable affections.